Emma May '86 Interview with Nobuo Mizoguchi
This interview was published in Emma, a women’s magazine that reported heavily on Yukiko Okada’s suicide. Nobuo Mizoguchi was Yukiko Okada’s manager for her entire career, making him one of the people closest to her during her time as an idol. Deepest gratitude to angelyuki18, who owns this issue of Emma and who meticulously transcribed it. You can find the original text here.
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On the morning of the 8th April, I attended my son’s school entrance ceremony. I soon heard Yukiko had attempted suicide in her apartment, so I rushed to North Aoyama Hospital but when I got there, she’d already left for the office. I was on my way to the office, in a taxi waiting at the traffic lights at the fourth district of Yotsuya, when I saw Yukiko fall from the roof. In that instant, my mind went into overdrive. ‘That’s Yukiko!’ I thought. But I couldn’t be certain, so I left the taxi and rushed to the scene. The whole time, I was crying the same thoughts, pleading it to not be Yukiko. But when I saw her wristwatch, there was no mistaking it.
“Yukiko, Yukiko!” I called her name twice, but she never replied…
Three years earlier, Yukiko came to Tokyo. It was the spring of her first year of high school, and she was standing nervously on the platform of Tokyo Station, with a large travelling bag in her hands. When I called out to her, her expression relaxed, and her eyes gleamed as she greeted me cheerfully. That was the first time I met her. I can remember those shining eyes as clear as day.
In that moment, I knew she would make it. When you’ve been a manager for a long time, you can sense whether or not someone has star power. The way Yukiko’s eyes shined that day was the same as Seiko Matsuda.
And she made it. She worked herself extremely hard, five times more than other girls. Of course, she was extraordinarily talented, but she didn’t have the effortless kind of talent that Seiko had. She was the type to shine with hard work followed by even more hard work. If Seiko was the naturally gifted type, Yukiko was the hard worker type.
Because dancing was her weak point, she practised three or four times more than other idols. One time, there was a point in the choreography she couldn’t do. The teacher thought it was beyond her capabilities, so told her not to worry about it. But that made Yukiko feel frustrated, and when the class was over she couldn’t stop crying.
Yukiko hated losing. She was a perfectionist, and had been since elementary school. She was awful at gym class, so in middle school she entered the track-and-field club. She was studious, but she didn’t enjoy studying. In fact, she hated it. But tests results are ranked, so she felt as though she had no choice. She had great concentration powers. When she was reading the script to a drama, she’d get so absorbed, she wouldn’t notice me no matter how many times I called her name. This kind of thing happened all the time.
She was extremely strict with herself. In that sense, I had an easy job as her manager because she never once gave me trouble. But sometimes, I’d look at her and get a sense of unease, as though she was in danger. No one is perfect all the time. Everyone needs room to breathe, to run away from their responsibilities. In the real world, it’s unavoidable. It might be unpleasant, but it’s how you wash away the dirty parts of yourself.
But Yukiko could never do that. She was too much of a perfectionist, too pure, too clean. Looking back, I think that was the danger I sensed from her.
And now, that danger has become reality…
Despite these aspects of her personality, I think if she had just one person she felt she could properly talk to, none of this would have happened.
She never spoke to me once about the thoughts that led to this incident, and she never told me how she felt about Minegishi-san. She never told her true feelings to anyone.
She liked having fun and going out with her school friends and fellow idols. One time, one of them said to me.
“Yukko always seems lonely, even when she’s with everyone. She never actually says what she’s thinking.”
Yukiko wasn’t hiding her feelings because she wanted to. I’m certain she wanted someone to talk to.
“I can’t say anything, even to the people I really want to talk to,” is something she used to say.
She was overly-conscious of other people’s feelings. For instance, her eyesight was very bad, to the point where she couldn’t recognise someone even if she walked right past them. Because of that, there were times when she wouldn’t greet people she should. When she realised, it would weigh on her mind, and she would feel so guilty towards them.
That’s the kind of person Yukiko was.
Her propensity to brood was a result of her pure heart. This incident was the natural outcome of her brooding … That’s what I feel, at least.
Before she came to Tokyo, she had been on a date with a boy just once. On that one date, she was so embarrassed, and the two ended up barely exchanging a word. A girl like that, suddenly thrust into the entertainment industry and on top of that, in love with an adult. I wouldn’t be surprised if she found herself wondering where she fit in.
If I’d made just a little more effort to make her open up, to say what she’s really thinking… I can’t help but be filled with regret, wondering if I could have done anything to stop this from happening. The sight of that tragic incident was truly horrible. I was beside her motionless body, when all of a sudden I returned to my senses. I went to the second storey of the building to get a blanket, so I could cover the pitiful sight of Yukiko’s body. It was like walking through a waking nightmare.
If Yukiko were to come back, this is all I’d have to say to her:
“Yukiko, you don’t need to think about anything. Please, just rest.”